


The Aesthetics of Ambiguity

by MManuRere



Category: Informal Remarks Towards the Modular Calculus - Samuel R. Delany, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/M, M/M, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-11-24
Updated: 2010-11-24
Packaged: 2017-10-13 08:40:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/135332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MManuRere/pseuds/MManuRere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nobody is quite sure what Kaworu meant to Shinji; Kaworu won't tell us, and Shinji can't seem to make sense of things himself.  Instead, we have a series of possible interpretations and misinterpretations by people who may have parts of the story.  Meanwhile, Professor Nagisa might have to decide how he feels about a version of himself appearing in a fanfiction-based project by a student.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Letters I

**Author's Note:**

> This piece of fiction will follow an unorthodox format, with a series of vignettes -- which may reinforce or contradict each other -- held together by a series of communications between a teacher and student. The latter will be collected in the "letters" chapters; if those are a bit too academic, feel free to skip to the other chapters. At the end will be a list of references, notes, and suggested listening.

**Introductory Correspondence**

 

Prof. Nagisa –

     I'm still not sure where to start with the thesis – there are too many details I haven't worked out, and too many concerns I have about whether this is an appropriate project. On the latter – first, of course, I worry about whether it's entirely acceptable for an undergrad (even, or especially, someone who's been an undergrad as long and in as many departments as I have) to write on such an apparently non-academic subject (or most obvious subject). If I had a history of publication, or of teaching, or even a tenure-track position (let alone tenure!), I might be able to “get away with it” – or at least get a second look without being taken for one of those _other_ undergrads with pet projects. I know, and I hope you know, that I'm doing something at least a bit more involved than an excuse to claim course credit for indulging a hobby. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder whether I'm just indulging in intellectual pretensions (another hobby?). I'm tempted to hide behind a pile of the usual citations and dropped names, but that would not only be dull and pointless but contrary to what I think I'd like to try.

     If I keep working on this project, I'll need to ask for your further help avoiding the more blatant instances of cultural blindness. I dug myself a bit of a hole a few years back, I know, with a set of claims of greater cultural awareness than seemed to be common in the fan crowd; and yes, I turned out to be far off the mark. I said I was describing possible alternate readings rather than claiming to be tapping into some real understanding of authorial intent; I don't think I fooled anyone but (maybe) myself. Reviving bits of that reading in a few different configurations is...well, I'm not sure it's entirely appropriate; what are your thoughts? I've definitely developed more of a sense of my positions regarding readings (whether preferred, oppositional, transgressive, or plural), so I think it might be a safe time to return to at least some ideas from my “sermons,” especially if I frame them as specifically divergent readings of or inscriptions on the text.

      I'm also still not sure I'm completely comfortable working with...well, a series of (unlicensed!) derivative works built around a minor (at least in most readings) character from a currently out-of-fashion bit of pop culture (not to mention one already so extensively, and so clumsily, written on – in all senses – by its fans, and one where I keep myself interested mostly by making    
_very_   
divergent readings). It means that in terms of a teaching example, the whole effort becomes unusable. A series of original works would probably be more effective, and, of course, has already been done by Delany at much greater length. Still, I think there's some particular opportunity in terms of radical (again, in all senses – or at least the three I can think of at the moment) counter-readings and cross-readings of “original,” “derivative,” and/or “pop” texts I want to at least make an attempt to take advantage of. And an    
_imported_   
paraliterary popular text which itself appropriates signs from the context into which it has been imported (or reimported) has enough semiotic confusion already embedded in any reading of it (at least in the U.S., and definitely when the fans have had their hands on it for years already) that it's almost an ideal “case study.” Choosing a contested character as the basis for a selection of mutually-exclusive re-readings, and rooting those readings in a marked subset of the fan community (the equivalent to a paraliterary sub-community, I think), might push the    
_visibility_   
of the process of reading-as-reinscription (or narrative as ideology, which is different but related) far enough to function as the kind of demonstration I've been hoping I could produce. You might be my best audience here, since you of course know the field better than anyone else.

      Of course, at the same time, the project will have to be an aesthetic as well as an academic process. Just making the central thesis clear would, I think, be almost vulgar somehow – I want to develop a sense of paradox. I need the readings to be as resonant as the text they play against, which drops me in the middle of another problem. All of the derivative texts will, more or less, rely on the text which they work against – and I worry that I might be building the whole thesis on the sort of claim of an authoritative reading that I'm trying to undermine. Yes, there's ambiguity in the original text (unless you consider    
_yourself_   
the original text – which I hope isn't the case, as I    
_hope_   
I'm not quite arrogant enough to go    
_that_   
far), but then there's still the struggle of reading vs. transgressing that text – if there's even a difference. I    
_want_   
to do violence to the single text, but I don't know if this violence can be done by adhering to the text while reversing the preferred readings, or if some contradiction of the text will be necessary. Or that “contradiction” might end up re-asserting textual authority despite itself. Maybe the only workable approach is to put the readings    
_in tension with_   
the parent text. Writing short pieces of fiction already    
_sous rature_   
as they are written, an analogue to (or a metaphor for? Though it isn't a metaphor, really) the born-dismembered state of the cyborg and android body. It's a counter-claim to ownership of a text, at least.

      And finally, if it's not readable and enjoyable even without the critical context (I know,    
_il n'y a pas de hors-texte_   
, but that's not the context I mean), it's a failure. Period. That's really the thesis, isn't it? The aesthetic value isn't a matter of ownership or adherence or conformity or even content so much as the ability to draw out thought and reaction. A statement might be carefully considered and richly nuanced, but if it doesn't move with (or pointedly against) the conversation, it's nothing but another claim of authority over meaning. Fanfiction rejects its own claims of ownership over the signs it uses; but if it doesn't function within the fan conversation, it's not “good fanfiction” – and if nothing else, I hope the project will be good fanfiction. Producing a series of stories based on incompatible readings of the same characters and story might be part of the aesthetic effect, but each should also play the usual roles of bringing out emotion and encouraging    
_further_   
re-readings of the parent text and other texts. I may be flattering myself with the suggestion that    
_Lost_   
builds on a few of my oppositional readings, but that's the kind of effect I'd most like to help produce – more experiments in imagination and narrative.

      I think it might be best (might have the greatest chance at having the intended effect?) if I write and revise all of the stories together, and then release them all as a unit (maybe with, say, a fan soundtrack as a way of tying the stories together, suggesting even    
_more_   
re-readings, and providing visibility?). If nothing else, this might encourage associating the stories with each other (amplifying the tensions between them) instead of reading them (both senses) individually. I know you understand at least one or two of the characters (besides the obvious) more clearly, perhaps, than they do themselves; I don't want to base my readings on your knowledge, but I hope you'll let me know if I'm displacing too much of my reading by including myself to an inappropriate extent. I know I'll be present in these texts (in more than one sense, possibly), but I'd like to keep that presence to the sidelines. Sorting out adherences to and divergences from the parent text will be difficult enough already; and it certainly wouldn't be fair to    
_you_   
to make this all about    
_me_   
.

     Thank you again for all your help.

 

Yours,

M Moneure're

 

 

M –

     First, don't be so formal. This is California; the sign on the building says “Humanities,” not “Business;” and you're transitioning from “student” to “future colleague.” Call me by my name.

     Second, yes, I'm glad to advise you on this project. But I hope you'll understand if I might be uncomfortable at times. I know it's not _really_ personal, but I can't imagine that it won't _feel_ personal, at least sometimes. You mentioned last week that you planned to focus mostly on Shinji; but that makes it almost _more_ personal for me. So I'll help, but you owe me.

     Third, try to dial back the jargon, at least for now. Your papers are consistently better when you avoid padding your prose with unnecessary language. I don't know where you picked up the habit; it's something I see more often from grad students trying to make themselves sound more professional, but it takes away from what you get right. If you worry about “theory” at all, worry _after_ you've written your “deliberate misreadings.” (And you're doing it again, there – can't you just let yourself call it “fanfiction” already? Even these letters are fanfiction, after all.) A fan soundtrack might double as a way to push yourself away from that habit, if you can let yourself write a group of stories around a pair of characters (I can't tell you how strange it feels to write that) and a set of emotional/narrative themes instead of a dry “high concept.”

     Fourth – good luck, keep me updated on your progress, and _have fun_. I know you can do interesting work if you put in the effort. It's the dedication that seems to be hardest for you.

 

Regards,

\--K.


	2. Losing Alexandria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asuka wonders -- why didn't she see this coming?

**Losing Alexandria**

 

     The night before he lost the city of Alexandria, the story goes, Mark Antony heard the sounds of a procession – or was it a moving carnival? – passing below his window, moving towards the gates of his city and out of his life. Musicians, dancers, actors and acrobats, revelers, drinkers, all sorts of hangers-on; making noises like a crowd at a festival as they moved along what should have been (and, when Antony looked, appeared to be) the empty streets of a city preparing for a battle. It must have been lonely, being excluded from all that celebration during a sleepless night of double-checking and triple-checking battle plans, doubting and second-guessing yourself. But it was even worse than that.

     They say Antony knew what those sounds meant. They could only be the spirit of Alexandria itself, abandoning him for the camp of his enemies. And while he never heard the voice at the head of the parade, the revels – bacchanals – could leave no question. Dionysos had chosen to give his favor to the city, but in the process had abandoned Antony.

     I don't know why Antony would have had Dionysos as a patron in the first place. Antony was trying to be a military leader; and if I remember my mythology at all, Dionysos was a bit wild for that, and far too, well... _gay_. But Alexandria, _his_ city, had just run off with _that_. Maybe I'm just projecting. Maybe for Antony it didn't matter that the city he still had to try to defend had already run off with some arrogant, smirking, _raging queen_ of a god.

     Maybe for Antony it didn't matter. After all, for him it was a city, not a person.

     Shinji's still asleep. I don't know how I'm going to talk to him tomorrow. Maybe he doesn't know that he talks in his sleep. Or how he acts while he's awake.

      It was supposed to be  _so easy_ , at least once what was supposed to be Third Impact fell apart. Shinji got to be the Big Damn Hero (which I know he always wanted anyway), and everyone knew that I was the only other person to do a fucking thing during the whole crisis. So I was the only person in the world who didn't collapse into a panic; only a matter of time, and I'll be General Soryu or Field Marshal Soryu or Number-One-Badass-in-the-World Soryu.

     And I was going to have Shinji, and everyone would know it.

      It sounds simple, right? I mean, with that freak Rei disappeared off somewhere and Kaji...not with us anymore...well, I mean, Shinji  _had_ kinda saved the world, or at least the species, even if he needed me to cover his sorry ass. And nobody else knows him like I do. And now that he's coming out of his “emo wimp” phase, he's not so bad to have around. He even admits how great I am.

     “Coming out.” Ha-ha. Just fucking great.

     Honestly, though, Shinji's company was a relief. We were the only two Eva pilots at the end, when everything got _really_ strange. I've heard from other people about what it was like for _them_ , but nothing can compare to what it was like being in an Eva during what might have been Third Impact. I still don't think I can describe it – so I looked for the company of the only other person who I wouldn't have to describe it for.

     They're still trying to keep some things about the project quiet; I guess it wouldn't be good PR to tell everyone that the greatest weapons the planet has ever seen were piloted by teenagers. Not _my_ PR concerns – if you ask me, _everyone_ should know, so I can stop feeling like nobody knows how much they owe me. Us. Whatever. Either way, as long as Shinji and I stayed near the U.N. compound they had us in and away from reporters, we had plenty of time to talk.

     Not that there was much talking involved, at first. I spent hours trying to find him one afternoon, wandering along hallways, feeling useless and invisible. (It's lonely at the top, I guess – not that I'd want to share my savior-of-the-world status with too many people. They couldn't take it, anyway.) I figured Shinji had more experience feeling useless, would probably be just as bored as I was, and was always easy to prod into making a fool of himself. Couldn't hurt to have a bit of entertainment. But he didn't seem to be anywhere, and nobody I asked had seen him that day. His room was empty (and an unbelievable mess – I think he's starting to take after Misato). Eventually I gave up and headed upstairs to the little garden they kept on the roof.

     Shinji was sitting, his shoulders hunched just slightly, on a bench by the edge of the garden, staring past the edge of the roof and out over the ocean.

     I had a brilliantly cutting observation ready for him as I followed a path among the beds of flowers and sat down next to him, but when I saw him up close it died in my mouth. He still didn't seem to notice me, and his face was...different. _Peaceful_ , maybe, but somehow distant. He was almost smiling, but at the same time...I was used to seeing him miserable, but now he just looked quietly _sad_. I tapped the hand closest to me to bring him back to reality.

     He whispered something ( _now_ I know what he was whispering, but no way in hell will I repeat that name, not tonight), still almost smiling, and turned to look at me. Once his eyes focused, though, he seemed to jerk out of his trance and pulled his hand away as if he'd thought I were someone else. (Oh, I've seen the video now. If I'd seen it before, I'd have known _exactly_ what was going on in his head that afternoon.)

     “Asuka?”

     “You looked like you were going into a moron trance there, Shinji. I thought I should snap you out of it before your brain started leaking out your nose.”

     He looked away; I could see the corners of his mouth almost form a smile. That was new; maybe he was growing up a little bit after all.

     “So once again I need the great Asuka Langley Soryu to rescue me?” He followed up the almost-smile with his usual morose frown. “It's not like they need me for much more, now, though.”

     That got us started on one of our usual conversations about Shinji being an unbearably depressing wuss; it was almost like before. Shinji kept rubbing his hand, the one I'd touched. I flattered myself thinking that he was still overcome by the sensation of my presence; I know better now.

     I know that gesture, now that I have the surviving video files from NERV here on my computer. Everything. Seeing Shinji blush just from a conversation in a hallway – _nobody_ could get that kind of reaction from him that easily. And then in the bath – I couldn't watch that more than once, not with Shinji sleeping in my bed in the next room, driving the knife a little bit deeper with each time he mumbles _that name_. I think I'm glad there's no footage from inside the Fifth Child's bedroom – I know what must have happened there, I _don't_ want to see it. But just seeing the footage from the bath, seeing their _hands_...that afternoon in the roof garden, I would rather have just left and sat in my room alone than be mistaken for _him_ , even for a second.

     It was supposed to be easy.


	3. Letters II

**re: Losing Alexandria**

 

M –

     Tricky working out how to present a character in the first person when the only available sources are in a rather biased third-person, isn't it? It can't help that Asuka is (was?) both so erratic and so capable of self-deception. Any number of readings could be considered consistent with some (pointedly undefined) collective model of her actions. And in the context of our subjective experience, where the sorts of contradictory signs and hints we have for Asuka are actually _more_ to base our readings on than we have with the actual people we interact with and relate to, it certainly doesn't seem like there's much reason for optimism when it comes to claims to really _know_ a person. And, of course, since this is a reading of Asuka's reading of Shinji, the popular source-reflection model of reading (and of models) emerges as fundamentally unworkable (though, perhaps, useful as a provisional structure).

     This is still a rather extreme reading of the characters in certain ways; are you planning to offer a contradictory reading in another of your stories?

     I'll have to defer discussion of the exceptions represented by my own experience – and how my readings of your characters might be different in light of that experience. (No, I won't be talking about the “missing” sections of the security footage. There was no camera in my room. And while I wouldn't mind for myself, it seems a bit too personal for Shinji.)

\--K.

P.S. – are you referring here to the song, the poem, or both?


	4. Endnotes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suggested listening, inspiration for story chapters, and detail references. Will be updated as project progresses.

**Primary references for "story" chapters:**

"Losing Alexandria":

   "Alexandra Leaving", song by Leonard Cohen

     "The God Abandons Antony", poem by Constantine P. Cavafy, on which the Cohen song was based

       Plutarch's account of the siege of Alexandria, on which Cavafy's poem was based

 

 **Selected references for "letter" chapters:**

     A series of experimental essays regarding NGE and NGE fandom were written a number of years ago by M Moneure're; the one referred to in Prof. Nagisa's first letter was "Dharma Cats", which is currently available only via the Wayback Machine (and which, rather coincidentally, ended up making a few predictions about "Lost", which didn't exist until several years after "Dharma Cats" was written).

     _"Il n'y a pas de hors-texte"_ is a lit-geek in-joke involving Jacques Derrida.  The quote involves multiple puns and references, which makes it both untranslateable and frequently _badly_ translated (and usually taken out of context, which is part of the point of both the quote and the joke around it).  Yes, literature people _do_ usually have too much time on our hands.


End file.
